Happy Times In Krieger Valley
by Red Witch
Summary: When Archer's away in Vegas, the agency will play. With a little help from Krieger.
1. The Louse And The Soused

**Krieger probably took the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. So what did the gang do when Archer went to Vegas after what happened in Sitting? Well….**

 **Happy Times In Krieger Valley**

 **Part I: The Louse And The Soused **

"I don't miss him!" Lana spoke out as she sat in the break room. "I don't miss him at all!" She looked at Ray and Cheryl who were also at the table. "I don't!"

"And I won't miss it when you stop complaining about him," Cheryl groaned. "If ever!"

"Seriously Lana, don't you think were a little **too hard** on Archer?" Ray asked. "Not that I'm defending the guy but…"

"But what? The man ran away to Vegas!" Lana barked.

"After he got shot twice in a scam worthy of Mallory Maleficent!" Ray pointed out. "Seriously Lana? Was that _her_ idea or _yours_?"

"Uh…." Lana paused.

"That's what I thought," Ray shook his head and drank his coffee.

"Seriously, you couldn't just put him in a room with cameras and just watch him?" Cheryl asked. "You had to have that Pakistan guy shoot up the place?"

"When **she** comes up with more sensible ideas you **know** things are wrong," Ray pointed to Cheryl.

"Yeah!" Cheryl agreed. "Wait a second…No, you're right."

"Okay…Maybe using Farooq was slightly over the top?" Lana admitted.

"Maybe?" Ray groaned. "Oh Lord Lana just when I think your relationship with Archer can't get any crazier. I swear if my book I'm writing ever comes out I may have to put it under fiction!"

"Is that the same book you've been saying you're gonna do for years?" Pam snorted as she entered the break room.

"Hey I've got quite a few chapters done," Ray protested.

"Sure you have," Pam remarked as she went to get a coffee. "Speaking of doing things where's Archer?"

"Where do you **think?** " Lana grumbled as she folded her arms.

"Archer's still in Vegas huh?" Pam asked as she sat down.

"He's only been gone three days," Ray pointed out.

"And by now he's probably through at least thirty hookers and picked up a half dozen new venereal diseases," Mallory grumbled as she stormed up to them. "On my money! And speaking of moochers living off my money…"

"Mallory, there's no missions," Lana spoke up. "No intelligence coming in."

"Not that there's much here to begin with," Mallory grumbled.

"We have no files, reports, leads or cases to work on. What do you want us to do?" Lana protested.

"I expect you to do **something**! I don't care what you do as long as you don't cause any more damage!" Mallory snapped. "Pam don't you have any HR crap you can do?"

"Not really," Pam shrugged. "Remember ninety percent of my job is dealing with sexual harassment by Archer? And since he's not here…"

"Not to mention barely any co-workers to harass," Lana spoke up.

"And five percent is whatever Krieger does to the interns…" Pam went on.

"And since there are no interns either…" Lana added.

"And the rest is just stuff either Cheryl burns or whenever Ray gets injured…" Pam went on.

"And stuff **you** do!" Ray added.

"That too. There's really nothing much to do," Pam shrugged.

"Well what about those God damned peer reviews you like to do so much?" Mallory shouted.

"Can't. There aren't any forms left," Pam admitted. "They all got burned somehow."

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted. She glared at Cheryl.

"It wasn't me. This time," Cheryl admitted.

"Then how did it happen?" Mallory sneered. "Did the arson fairy just come in and burn them all?"

"Well…" Ray began.

Let's go back a few weeks ago shall we?

Pam was passed out at her desk completely drunk and half dressed. There was porn running on her computer. She had no idea Ray was taking out several forms and burning them in her wastebasket.

"Let's see Archer complain about not having any gum now!" Ray snickered.

He took out an expensive cigar and unwrapped it. He used a lit form to light it. "I should thank Archer for those expensive cigars he keeps in his desk. It makes things so much easier to frame him," Ray said cheerfully. "I should do a lot of things but I'm not going to…"

Back to the present.

"I think Archer burned them all," Ray said with a straight face. "Knowing him he was probably drunk and trying to light up a cigar or something. Like what happened back in that operation in Montreal a while back."

"When he burned twenty thousand dollars of my money lighting those God awful cigars trying to impress those hookers?" Mallory snarled.

"Which of course set off the fire alarms in that hotel which was specifically non-smoking," Lana remembered. "Which blew our cover and the entire mission."

"Yes Lana. I remember the gunfight in the lobby very clearly!" Mallory snapped.

"I did find a used cigar on the floor," Pam realized. "Which was one of his brands!"

"Well that was probably him," Ray spoke up. "Unless Krieger is making paper airplanes again."

"He even burned the damn request forms for the peer reviews!" Pam was angry. "Which is unusually thorough for him."

"Well then do something else!" Mallory was frustrated. "Run a quick seminar or something!"

"For what?" Ray asked.

"I don't know! Maybe go over the policy on drugs and alcohol in the workplace?" Mallory began.

The others started to laugh. "Like how there's probably **not enough?"** Ray laughed.

Mallory started to snicker. "Okay. Even I thought **that one** was funny. But seriously maybe we should go over policies like…Office fraternization…" Then she started to laugh harder.

"Work ethics!" Ray called out. The others started to laugh.

"Political correctness?" Lana snorted. Everyone laughed harder.

"Dress codes! When we are dressed anyway…" Pam snickered.

"Our office's impact on the environment," Lana spoke up. Everyone laughed even harder. Especially Mallory.

"The proper use of firearms…" Ray went on. Everyone laughed. "Animals in the workplace…"

"That depends," Pam snorted. "Are we talking about Krieger's lab animals or whenever Cyril is alone in the elevator?"

That earned a laugh from everyone. "I've got another one!" Ray laughed. "The Fair Labor and Standards Act."

"Oh my God!" Mallory was guffawing now. "I can hardly breathe…HA HA HA! That's a good one!"

"I thought you might like that," Ray admitted.

"Making harassing phone calls!" Cheryl spoke up. "You know like you do to Trudy Beekman Ms. Archer?"

"Guilty…" Mallory laughed. "I've got one! Bring your child to work day!" She looked at Lana.

"Uh **hello**?" Lana pointed at Mallory. Everyone else laughed harder.

"Okay you've got me there," Mallory laughed.

"More like when your child **doesn't** show up for work day," Ray snorted. This made everyone laugh harder.

"That's enough! That's enough! Oh I really needed to laugh like that," Mallory laughed.

"So did I," Cheryl nodded.

"We really did," Ray admitted.

"It did kind of break some of the tension around here," Lana admitted.

"It did. But seriously we should do something productive today," Mallory calmed down.

"Besides you making another call pretending you're Trudy Beekman's credit card holder?" Cheryl asked. "Or making false complaints about something on whatever committee she's on?"

"Oh my God. I haven't done that in a long time," Mallory realized. "Okay so now I know what I am going to do this afternoon. The rest of you do something productive. Or at the very least a simulation to it."

"So what are we going to do?" Cheryl asked as Mallory left.

"Well she said to do something productive," Pam pointed out. "She didn't say what. Let's get Krieger and Cyril. I have an idea."

"Why do I have the feeling the next chapter in my book is coming up?" Ray groaned.

Twenty minutes later…

"Welcome to our first moonshine/distilled Alcohol/wine tasting event!" Krieger said cheerfully when the gang had assembled in the lab. "We have lots of fun and exciting new blends for you all to try. Most of which was made in this very lab. Or sewers connecting to the lab…"

"Eww…" The others winced.

"Oh come on! Everything is thoroughly washed and processed," Krieger protested. "I'm thinking of creating my own winery! I'm calling it Krieger Valley. Sounds classy right?"

"It sounds like a case for a lawsuit," Cyril groaned.

"This is so going in my book," Ray remarked.

"It's a little known fact that if you take cheap wine and put it in a blender for sixty seconds it will age about five years," Krieger said. "This is called hypercanting. So what I did was take my wine and turbo blasted it in **this**!"

He pointed to a large tube like machine which had some red liquid swirling around quickly. "I call this the Krieger Canter 5000!" Krieger said proudly. "Imagine what wine tastes like after sixty minutes in this sucker? KAPOW!"

"I am. Oh God I am…" Lana winced.

Krieger turned off the machine and started to pour drinks from the spout. "There. This stuff will make those Benjamin Franklin wines we had in San Marcos taste like grape juice. Lana would you like to be the first?"

"Uh no. For one thing I'm still breastfeeding," Lana declined. "And I also think at least one of us should be sober when the paramedics arrive."

"I'll take a drink," Ray volunteered.

"You're actually going to drink that?" Lana was stunned.

"Can't be any worse than the other drugs he's given us over the years," Ray told her as he took the glass.

"He's got a point," Pam agreed. "I still get flashbacks from that stupid Krieger Cleanse crap."

"Technically that was a combination of the Krieger Cleanse and the heavy dosage of tranquilizers," Krieger corrected as he poured some more drinks.

"Wait I don't remember you drinking any wine in San Marcos," Cyril realized. "Or saw much of you for that matter…"

"Oh we had a huge vat of that stuff down in our lab," Krieger waved. "After a hard day of genetic splicing and clone boning and making bombs we always kicked back a few."

"Clone boning?" Cyril made a face. "What the hell is…?"

"Uh never mind," Krieger waved. "Don't ask."

"What do you mean by 'our lab' and 'we'…?" Cheryl realized something.

"Uh our lab as in my clone brothers **shared** with me!" Krieger protested. "No hidden subtext there. Okay! Everybody drink up! Drink up!" He put glasses in everyone's hands except for Lana. "Prost!"

"Well down the hatch!" Pam said as she took a big drink.

"You're supposed to sip it! Not gulp it down like it's a Slurpee!" Krieger snapped.

"Who are you? Steven Spurrier?" Pam hiccupped. "Hey…"

Cheryl had taken a big gulp as well. "This grape juice is pretty kick-ass!"

"It's surprisingly good," Cyril remarked as he and Ray sipped. "A good body. Pleasant nose."

"But enough about me," Krieger quipped. "How do you like the wine?"

"This is actually good," Ray remarked in surprise.

"I think this stuff is even better than the wine we drank in San Marcos," Cyril added.

"Krieger's concoction is better than two hundred something year old wine?" Lana was stunned.

"I hate to say it but yeah," Cyril admitted. "It's got a smoothness that…WHOA!"

"Oh man!" Pam's irises grew bigger. "Mama likey!"

"Did I mention that this wine is made from genetically altered grapes cross bred with the rare South American muscadene? AKA Crazy Fruit!" Krieger asked. "Known for its mild hallucinogenic properties."

"No, you did not," Cyril hiccupped as his eyes grew wider.

" **There** it is," Lana groaned.

"Wow!" Cheryl took another drink. Then threw down her glass. "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" She ripped off her blouse.

"Nah you're pretty hot all right!" Pam burped. She threw off her top. "Let's party bitches!"

"Why the hell not?" Cyril started taking off his clothes too. "Hell any day Archer's not here…"

"Hey Krieger! How about some music or a light show or something?" Cheryl took another drink of wine. "And I don't mean your girlfriend!"

"Got it," Krieger nodded and pushed a button on the wall. A strobe light came down and rock music started to play.

"Yay! Party time!" Krieger's Virtual Girlfriend appeared and started to twirl around a virtual stripper pole to the music.

"Oh yeah! WHOOO!" Pam whooped as she twirled her skirt around.

"Well this devolved pretty fast even by our standards," Lana sighed. She then noticed something. "Ray how come you're not affected?"

"I grew up in the holler. I'm used to drinking things with a kick," Ray told her.

"That and all the experimental drug blends I sometimes use whenever Ray needs cyborg work done," Krieger spoke up.

"I thought this had a familiar buzz," Ray mused.

Krieger took a hard stiff drink of his own concoction. "OH YEAH!" Krieger smashed his glass on the floor and ripped off his shirt. "Club Kick Ass is now in session!"

"Well this is definitely a productive way to end the day," Ray snickered at the sight of his co-workers drinking and dancing around in their underwear. "Sorry this isn't any fun for you Lana."

"Are you kidding? Archer is going to be pissed off he missed out on this," Lana waved. "You know he loves nothing more than getting plastered at work. Except of course getting laid at work."

"Don't tell him. Let him read about it in the book," Ray snorted.

"You really think people will read this book of yours when and if it ever comes out?" Lana asked him.

"WINE FIGHT!" Pam whooped as she threw wine on Cheryl and Cyril. They got glasses and threw wine back. Soon the three of them were splashing each other and laughing.

"Are you kidding? We're talking best seller here," Ray smirked as he sipped his drink.


	2. Drinks All Around

**Originally this was only going to be a one shot but I had so many crazy ideas you lucky people get more! Well maybe lucky isn't the exact word to use…**

 **Part II: Drinks All Around **

Mallory Archer was having a miserable day.

Not that she was having many good days since reopening her agency. But today seemed more miserable than usual.

At first she spent half her morning trying to contact the CIA and ask for more missions but they refused to answer her calls. All nine of them. Then she casually decided to check on her wayward son by checking the recent purchases on his credit card. All one hundred and fifty five of them.

By the time she heard about the caviar and the rent-a-lemur expenses she decided it was best to shut down her son's extravagance by terminating his credit card.

"Let Sterling run around Vegas without any money for a while," Mallory huffed. "That'll teach him a lesson!"

Of course that meant she still had to pay the whopping charges her son had already accumulated. Which meant she would probably have to ask Ron to pay the bill since her own funds were quickly dwindling.

And she certainly wasn't looking forward to **that** conversation again!

Then she called her bank and checked on her accounts. Even the secret accounts were starting to get rather low. She realized at this rate she may have to actually make real sacrifices, not just minor ones.

Reluctantly she made a call to a real estate agent she knew and asked him to appraise the value of her condo in Florida for possible sale.

She didn't know if she was really going to sell her condo in Florida. If things really went south with Ron and the apartment was still in his name there was a very real possibility that she may have to move there.

She had already secretly sold the agency's safe house property and what little profits from that had already been spent. It was very hard to sell a building that had explosion damage and Russian blood stains.

After spending a few moments to go berate her staff and let off some steam she had gotten the idea to spread the misery around. Particularly to her social nemesis Trudy Beekman.

Unfortunately for Mallory, Trudy Beekman's credit card company had gotten caller ID and were more than aware of Mallory's little attempts to sabotage her rival.

The other calls Mallory made didn't go as well either. She then called a few of her society friends to see what if any charity events or social parties she could stick her name to and get some recognition.

Only to be told flatly that neither her help nor her presence was requested at these events.

Mallory ended up making a few suggestions where these people could go. And how she would personally send them there.

In other words Mallory ended up losing a few more society contacts.

In desperation Mallory tried a last resort tactic. She called ODIN to see if she could get some work for her agency. She figured she could always butter up Len Trexler for something.

However to her horror she discovered that Trexler was no longer in charge of ODIN. That he was on an extremely extended leave of absence in a farm somewhere. Apparently he had developed a ferocious addiction to lettuce and an insane desire to make friends with as many rabbits as the state of New York would allow.

The new head of ODIN made if painfully clear that Mallory and her agents were not only no longer considered a real agency, but would never be hired by ODIN.

"Let me check my paper," The new head of ODIN remarked. "No, according to the weather forecast that Hell hasn't frozen over yet so…Forget about it!"

Then Mallory made a few comments of her own. And a few death threats.

"Note to self…" Mallory slammed down the phone after the call. "One day burn ODIN to the ground! That could be Cheryl's job."

Then Mallory called Ron only to get a message from his answering machine. With a note that he would be gone for a few days to see some old friends of his.

Mallory realized that Ron was always gone a few days out of the month for some strange reason. "It better not be some bimbo…" Mallory grumbled.

"That's it! I've had it! I'm calling it a day!" Mallory sighed, not really having any desire to talk to anyone any more. She got her things and prepared to leave.

"Cheryl! I'm leaving…I…" Mallory then noticed that Cheryl was not at her desk. "Great. Just great. Why am I surprised that she's not at her desk? Actually it would be more of a surprise for me at this point if she actually did anything!"

She heard the sound of drunken laughter in the distance. "Idiots!" She hissed between her teeth.

She began to storm out of the office. Only to see Cyril passed out on the floor wearing only his underwear. Then she saw Lana carefully dragging Ray. Ray was wearing only a pair of blue short briefs.

"So was this day productive **at all**?" Mallory asked in a bored tone.

"If by productive you mean Krieger invented a hyper decanting machine that blended his mutant grapes into super wine and everyone ended up getting drunk, then yes," Lana admitted.

"Of course," Mallory rolled her eyes. "The perfect end to the perfect freaking day!"

"I'm guessing yours wasn't that much better," Lana asked as she pulled Ray closer to Cyril's sleeping form.

"Oh no dear! Any day I'm on the phone all day calling people I **hate** who won't give me the time of day while my son runs around spending my money in Vegas doing god knows what is a **good day**!" Mallory said sarcastically. "And to have all my remaining employees get drunk at the office is just the cherry on the ice cream sundae!"

"They said the wine tasted better than the stuff they drank in San Marcos," Lana explained.

"Even better than the Benjamin Franklin wines?" Mallory raised an eyebrow of disbelief.

"According to them," Lana said as she maneuvered Ray behind Cyril. Ray made a few soft mutters before unconsciously snuggling Cyril.

"That's hard to believe," Mallory was still doubtful.

"Well they are the experts," Lana said.

"How come you're still sober?" Mallory asked.

"I didn't drink any. Still breastfeeding," Lana explained.

"Again I still don't understand why…?" Mallory was confused. "I mean I drank while breastfeeding Sterling and he turned out…."

"You really want to finish that sentence?" Lana looked smugly at Mallory.

"Shut up," Mallory growled.

"Ray lasted the longest but he just had to have one drink too many," Lana smirked. "Now I'm just messing with him and Cyril."

"Technically I suppose that is productive," Mallory sighed. She heard peals of female laughter from one of the offices. "What is going on in there?"

"Do yourself a favor," Lana sighed. "Don't go into Pam's office. She and Cheryl are uh…"

"Say no more!" Mallory stopped her. "If it's anything like what happened at my New Year's Eve party I don't want to know!"

"Oh yeah! It's Krieger time!" Krieger sauntered over them wearing only his underwear and a German hat with a feather on his head. He was also carrying a bottle of wine. "Hello?"

"All right Krieger give me a drink," Mallory ordered. "Might as well see for myself what all the fuss is about."

"Mallory!" Lana protested as Krieger handed Mallory the bottle.

"Zip it Lana!" Mallory ordered as she took the bottle. "I've had a horrible day and I need something to make it better!"

She then took a drink. "Apparently this will do," She blinked.

"So you like it?" Krieger asked hopefully.

"I do," Mallory took another drink.

"Mallory!" Lana barked. Mallory held up a finger as she drank some more of the bottle.

"There's some South American muscadene in this isn't there?" Mallory raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah how did you know?" Krieger asked.

"This isn't the first time I've had Crazy Fruit Kool Aid," Mallory admitted. "Although I have to admit I have never had some that was this good. Damn. This stuff is better than the Ben Franklin wines!"

"I know right?" Krieger said happily.

"Oh what the hell?" Mallory finished the bottle. "This day is a total loss anyway."

"So you're going to get drunk too?" Lana groaned.

"It's not like Ron is just sitting there waiting for me!" Mallory grumbled. "So why not stay out late and have some fun?"

"I'm going home…" Lana sighed as she left. "I have a daughter to take care of now that her father and her grandmother are permanently plastered!"

"Sheesh! Go on home Debbie Downer!" Mallory snapped with a wave. "We'll be fine without you! Krieger! Take me to your liter! Of wines that is…"

Lana went into the elevator. "Why do I always have to be the sane one around here?"

"Don't know! Not like I asked you to be!" Mallory called out. Lana left. "Sheesh! Is it me or ever since she became a mother she's become more of a wet blanket than usual?"

"I know right?" Krieger hiccupped as they left the office bullpen. Not noticing when Cyril rolled over onto Ray.

"Meh! Meh! Meh!" Mallory mocked as they went to Krieger's lab. "I'm Lana Lame! I complain about **everything**! Because nothing is as **perfect** as I am and everyone has to know it! Blah! Blah! Blah!"

"My baby is the most important thing in the world!" Krieger said in a funny voice. "And everyone around me is stupid and drunk and blah, blah…And don't get me started on the environment!"

"Oh God the environment, precious planet blah! Blah!" Mallory mocked.

"I enjoy talking this way!" Krieger said in a funny voice.

"So do I!" Mallory replied in the mocking tone.

The next morning…

"Well this is a fine mess…" Mallory grumbled, she was clearly hung over and drinking a bloody Mary. Wearing the clothes she wore the night before. "Even more than usual…"

"I told you not to drink it," Lana smugly folded her arms, looking over at her hung over and in some cases half-dressed co-workers.

"Oh shut up!" Cyril groaned. He was only wearing his shirt and pants. "My sweater vest is soaked with wine! I'm going to smell like Napa Valley for weeks! And where the hell are my shoes and socks?"

"I think you threw them out the window…" Cheryl groaned. Her blouse was open and she was wearing her skirt slightly askew. Her hair was disheveled.

"Yeah you were yelling at some kind of imaginary dog or alligator or something," Pam spoke up. She was wearing her clothes but they were rumpled. "Anybody see my bra?"

"You set it on fire and did a pretty good Jimmy Hendrix impersonation," Krieger said. He was shirtless but wearing his lab coat and pants.

"Krieger…Your decanting machine thing works a little too well…" Mallory winced. "I haven't been this hung over since Woodstock."

"You were at the Woodstock music festival?" Lana asked.

"No. The Woodstock wine tasting festival," Mallory corrected. "Different Woodstock. In the Midwest somewhere…"

"Does anyone remember anything they did last night?" Pam groaned.

"Well I know I made some calls last night that I definitely should **not** have made," Mallory admitted.

Flashback to last night…

"And another thing Gladys Gunderson!" Mallory slurred into the phone in her office. She was wearing only her bra and panties. "Or should I say Gladys Gum-For Brains? I never wanted to be at your stupid charity luncheon in the **first place**! I just wanted to go for the social standing and any free stuff! I could not care less what happens to the wetlands! Pave 'em all into parking lots and smother the ducks with orange sauce! So there!"

"You know something Gertrude? My granddaughter may be black, but you're **faaaat!"** Mallory taunted into the phone. "You're a fat, fat, fatty fat fat! FAAAAAAT! And if I ever hear you insult my little what's her name again I'm going to kick your fat ass! I mean it! I am gonna rip you apart and feed you to your stupid ugly toy poodles! You fat fatty fat!"

"Beeeeeeeeeeeekmaaaannnn!" Mallory slurred into the phone. Then she made a raspberry.

"Hey ODIN! You can kiss my ass!" Mallory was on another call. "One of these days I am gonna burn down your fancy shmancy office in Paris! And then I'm gonna laugh! Laugh as I stand over your burning ashes with a gasoline can!"

"Ron you better not be screwing some whore…" Mallory snarled into the phone on another call. "If I catch you cheating on me…I swear…I will blow your brains out! Right after I blow some of your own business partners if you get my drift!"

"Hey Slater! Slaaaaaaatter!" Mallory hiccupped into the phone. "Slater? Wanna come over to my place and do it? It'll really tick off Sterling! Call me!"

"Oh come on Hawley…" Mallory slurred into the phone. "I'm sure we can come to some kind of agreement for the next mission. Over breakfast. In bed. Call me."

"Burt!" Mallory moaned. "Why? Why are you always avoiding me? I don't care what the judge said. We should hook up again. I can get us a threesome with a CIA director. Call me!"

Back to the present…

"You drunk dialed Burt Reynolds?" Lana was incredulous. **"Again?"**

"Isn't that a violation of that restraining order?" Cheryl asked.

"Oh shut up!" Mallory growled.

"Oh God…" Ray winced, he was dressed but not wearing a tie and looked very hung over. "Why did I have those extra drinks?"

"Why did you have to jump on me when I was passed out?" Cyril glared at Ray.

"Aww but you two make such a cute couple," Lana teased.

"LANA!" Cyril snapped. "Don't give Ray ideas!"

"You were on top of me!" Ray snapped. "Remember?"

"I wish I could forget!" Cyril moaned. "This is just like Seamus' baby shower all over again! You taking advantage of me when I got drunk!"

"And what was your excuse during the Chinese New Year's party?" Ray snapped. "You certainly weren't drunk then!"

"It was dark in that closet and I thought you were Scatterbrained Jane!" Cyril shouted.

"He has a mustache," Pam pointed out.

"Well so did Scatterbrained Jane at the time," Cyril admitted with a groan.

"Yeah that was weird," Pam thought. "She lost the hair on her head but grew some on her lip. What was **that** about?"

"Well I did give her some of my experimental cancer drugs that I was working on," Krieger explained. "Didn't cure cancer but it did make her feel a whole lot better."

"You know what will make me feel better?" Mallory snapped. "Shipping all of you to a black site in Morocco where I would never see you again!"

"You threaten us with that like every other week," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"But since **that** isn't going to happen anytime soon," Mallory pressed on. "I guess I just have to settle for letting you idiots go home early. These past few days have been nothing but a wash anyway. So I'm treating myself to a drunken moron free afternoon! Just come back sober tomorrow! Got it?"

"Sounds good to me," Ray agreed.

"One more thing," Mallory grumbled. "We **never** tell Sterling about Krieger's machine. If we ever did he'd never be sober again! Not that he's sober that much of the time anyway…"

"Said the vat of wine to the wine bottle," Lana muttered under her breath.

"Oh shut up and leave," Mallory growled.

"Great…I just need to hit the head and I'll be ready to get some hair of the dog at that new bar on 11th and fifth," Pam hiccupped as they made their way out. "Or is it at fifth and 11th?"

"Why not?" Ray admitted.

"It's eleven fifteen in the morning and we all just got off one drunken binge and are going to a bar to start another one," Cyril groaned. "It's official. I have a problem."

" **A** problem?" Pam teased. "That would be like a **huge improvement** for you!"

"Shut up!" Cyril snapped.

"This going in your book too Ray?" Lana asked. "Archer would love knowing about the major party he missed!"

"It's not like he's ever going to read it anyway," Ray waved.

"God I hate my life…" Mallory moaned as she put her head on her desk.


End file.
